It's Christmas Time....

Today I have finally got the "Christmas Spirit" bug!! I knew it was that time of the year for cheer, and Santa, snowmen, lights, caroling and all that stuff that comes with it....just didn't really feel it...well tonight I found it...it is HERE!!

Sitting here laughing at Laura and Tiffany making a huge mess with their candy making...it is SO fun and I am loving it...just observing and commenting every once in a while...it is great...so I put on some music and it was to "down" for the mood of the night...so I got all my *NSYNC music out...Home For Christmas to be exact...as the first notes of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" played, I was filled with the joy and happiness of Christmases of the past....ah the memories...

Since moving to Utah, there has been snow and lots of family and friends...starting to feel like the holidays. Thanksgiving I spent with Laura, Mike, Tiffany, Kloey, Max, Jorden, Kayla and some of Mike's friends. It was a fun day...lots of yummy food, laughing and good times.

I have also been able to spend a lot of time with the Browns. The Browns are a special family to me. Shari was my Young Woman leader when I was 13. I babysat her kids when they were so little, Garrek was 1 1/2, Ailli was 10 months. I loved them from the beginning. Jenna came along a couple years later and then Maika and Neleh. I had moved away by the time Maika and Neleh came along, but always stayed in touch with Shari. I have been able to spend SO much time over at their house in the last few weeks. I have been loving every minute of it...I just grin and think how lucky I am to be here with them. The other night we were hanging out, with all that girls, watching tv and the girls were all on Shari's bed...all four lined up...so cute...I was almost in tears with so much happiness. I love being able to help Shari with dinner or cleaning or taking her kids around. I am pretty sure that they are the reason that I was supposed to be here in Utah when we moved here. Being with them fills my heart with so much joy and so much love. I feel closer than ever to them and am so thankful for them in my life. I am thankful that they let me come over and spend so much time with them. They are pretty amazing.

Happy...

I have been feeling so very happy! These are just some things/people that make me happy...I am surprised with all that has gone on in the last few months, with so many transitions and little upsets. I am surprised how at the end of the day, sometimes in the middle of the afternoon...anytime I will realize how happy I really am. I think it is because I have amazing friends, an amazing family and so many moments that I am truly grateful for.  Here are some of them...

Jake Walden...need I say more? Really, this man has brought some amazing moments and blessings into my life. I never thought it was possible to find someone that knows and understands me more than myself at times. Some one who has not known me my whole life, yet knows me and believes in me. I am truly blessed!       

This is Kloey. This girl is a firecracker. She says the cutest things and you never really know what is going to come out of her mouth. She sings and dances so wonderfully. She is a princess and my favorite thing she says is:
Me: "How does Sleeping Beauty wake up?"
Kloey: "When her prince gives her true loves first kiss." So stinkin cute! I love when she calls me Aunt B and when someone says Brenda, she will correct them and tell them my name is Aunt B!! I love you Kloey!!



Maximus! Oh my goodness I LOVE my nephew Max! He just melts my heart the second I hear his little voice, and those eyes just get right to my heart. He has the cutest cheeks ever! Little Max is something else. I love the kid so much. Everytime I see him, his little face lights up and he gets the biggest smile! I know this kid loves me...some of my favorite times with him is just as he is falling asleep and he will reach up and put his hand on my cheek...I fall in love every time! I love you Max!!

Jorden and Kayla...living back in Utah I have the opportunity to hang out with Jorden and Kayla a lot. I love being able to pick up the kids on the weekends and just spend time together. I have missed these kids so much. Jorden is now 10 and is becoming a young man. As much as I would love him to stay the sweet, innocent, little boy that has captured my heart, it is so good to see him growing and becoming a young man. Kayla is 8 and she is still the sassy little girl she has always been. She is becoming a beautiful little lady and I am so happy that I can spend time with her. I love these kids so much and I love being able to see them more often. I look back to when they were babies and remember thinking, what are they going to be like in 10 years...now I know! Time sure has flown by!!

 Laura, my bestie, the one in this world that stands by me through it all. No matter what, we seem to always get back to a place where we have fun and just want to laugh. We have some of the greatest conversations still, and we are always learning and growing. Laura teaches me alot about myself and who I am. She helps me to better myself. I love being around Laura and I am glad that she still puts up with me, even when I don't deserve her.

 The Browns...wow...how do I say how much I am thankful for the Browns in my life, and how happy they make me each day. Shari (the mom) and I go back quite a few years. I started babysitting when the two oldest were just toddlers. Oh those days were so fun, filled with playing outside, playing games inside and watching Aladdin. G loved to watch that movie so much! I loved being over there, sometimes even when I wasn't babysitting.  After a few years the family grew and soon had 5 kids total. Here they are now. I love these kids. They all have really good heads on their shoulders. They have been through a lot in their young lives, but they have been so amazing and have adapted to what life has been thrown at them. These kids have an amazing mom, who is one of the strongest ladies I know. Her faith is something else. I am amazed at how she continues to go and to be as strong as she is. She is an amazing example to me. I love how Laura and I can be over there for hours upon hours and how we can laugh. Many nights of laughter...side-ache, tear-inducing laughter.

So despite all the negativity and hardships we have today, most nights I can go to bed with a smile on my face knowing I am blessed. I don't know how I am so lucky to have these people be apart of my life. I am truly, truly blessed.

In LA...

I have started this blog post many times...but it just hasn't felt right...the right words haven't come, the right feeling seems to be just beyond my grasp, yet I long to write, I crave the feelings and emotions to be written before my eyes, to solidify the truths, the strengths, the heartache, the laughter, the love and all that was in LA. Why is it so hard to write this...when I write it; it seems to break the spell of of blissfulness and joy that shined in my heart and life while in LA.
LA...what a weekend that was in LA. A night that went above and beyond anything I have ever experienced before. Jake Walden played his last show of the year at The Hotel Cafe in LA. What a spectacular show it was. People, fans of Jake, came from all over the world. From Hungry to Chicago, and New Jersey to Washington. It was such a special night for all involved. It is hard to put into words all that was felt for me. I was already emotional before I even saw Jake, before the hello's and before the hugs. Oh How I have missed those hugs! As like the many times before there is a feeling of comfort, peace and hope that fills my being whenever I am able to spend time with Jake. It was so so lovely to meet Katie! Katie is Jake's amazingly beautiful sister! She is so adorable and in so many ways like Jake, and in so many ways just as wonderful as Jake has told me she would be. I am so glad that she made the trip to LA.

I was especially happy that the show was at The Hotel Cafe. This is the one place that I have wanted to see Jake perform. Since the first time that I had heard of Jake, the Hotel Cafe has been a constant. It felt as if being there hearing and seeing Jake perform there was right, it was so right. They just go together. I had been looking forward to a time when I would see him up there on the stage and able to watch all the people that adore Jake, that look up to him, that "see" him for who he is and 'gets' him. I never thought that it would happen, but I saw it, I knew that it would happen. I wrote this the night of the performance..."Jake's performance tonight was so beautiful. He held so much emotion on his face that I don't think that there was a dry eye in the place. He of course sang some select few from the album, 'Alive and Screaming'(which is available on iTunes.) Bonnie Somerville came up on stage and sang 'Bleeding Love' with Jake. It was so breathtaking. Jake also sang two new songs...one for his beautiful sister Katie. The song brought me to tears, the relationship between Jake and Katie is so unique and beautiful. Those two are so connected. It is so amazing to see and there is an energy that cannot be described. Jake did a medley of songs...I believe there was some Joni, Bob, Janis, and DMB in the mix...such a treat. Jake sang 'We Are', this is a special song as is, and something that holds a lot of meaning and emotion for me. Jake had Stewart Lewis come up to sing the harmony of 'We Are'...at the parts where Stewart sang, we as an audience, sang along...It was so indescribable, the feeling in the room, the sound of all our voices saying, believing that "we are NOT broken" And as soon as Jake heard us all singing along, his face, oh the look on his face was something I have never seen before, it was joy, accomplishment, love, heartache, beauty, real...it was so real."

What a beautiful night, filled with beautiful people and wonderful conversation. We all hung out afterward to just talk, laugh, and just be. I sort of wanted to just watch, to observe how Jake works. How he interacts with people that love and adore him! He handles it all gracefully and so genuinely. He truly is interested and takes in what you give to him. He listens and sees you with his heart. It was so nice to meet all the people that I 'met' through Jake. It made for a night of memories. Sleeping after all this was near next to impossible. I am sure that I caught a few zzz's in there. Sunday morning took Laura and I to Venice Beach, we were going to Santa Monica Pier, but went with Venice. It was really neat to see places that I have only seen in movies. I have never been to LA before this trip. It was a lot of fun. We drove by the high school where 'Grease' was filmed. I felt like a real tourist! Laura and I then met up with Cheri, Brigi, Shelly and Kurt at their hotel, which was beautiful, and waited for Jake. Jake showed up and we were able to spend some low-key time just talking and laughing with one another. Jake was showered with some very lovely gifts and we took it inside for more. Inside we all just talked and laughed. Jake and I shared a few moments and the night had to come to an end for me.

Jake did so much for me emotionally and helped in so many other ways. I don't know if he will ever understand how special he is to me and the place he has in my heart. There are so many words, some that have been spoken, some that cannot be spoken but all are known. This post does no justice to what this weekend meant for me and how I will cherish the moments that reside in my heart, that sustain me in the day to day tasks of living, surviving, fighting and loving. Til next time my friend Jake, til next time.

Moving...

So many of you may have heard...or not...that I am moving. Yes, once again I am moving to another state...back to Utah.
Laura and I decided on this move about a month ago and can't believe that it is already time to go. I believe it is something that is in the right direction for us. From the time that we made the final decision to move, there has been a theme in our everyday lives...there is a saying that I particularly do not like to say...and at this time doesn't even have to be said for it to be true. It's that lovely saying about "it can't get any worse..." I hesitate to even use it in here, but I am over it. I expect something else to go wrong...that way when it does..I am at least a little more prepared. The last few days, when anything happened it just became comical...we had to just laugh it off or other wise, I think at one point Laura or I may have gone berserk!!
In all seriousness, this time has shown me that I am stronger that I thought(physically and mentally...the jury is still out on emotionally!)I have found that no matter what, you can laugh at the end of the day and simply move on. Yeah, things may have been bad, and the day seems to get worse and worse, and you feel like you will never get out alive. You think there is no way I can do this...I can't take it anymore...the light is always at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like a really long tunnel, but thankfully God has put up "lamp posts" along the way. Friends and family make each step bearable and sometimes brighter. And if you need a flashlight, all you have to do is pray...(I kind of like that analogy...I am pretty clever...)
There are a lot of people that I am going to miss. Of course, my Aunt Judi...she is the best Aunt in the world and I hope that I can be as good as an Aunt as she is...we always had Sunday dinners at her house and I am going to miss that so much. It was always a great time with so much laughter and great food. I am even going to miss Darrell...he is very witty and could sometimes even put Laura in her place...something that rarely happens. I am going to miss Janice. We had some good time...dancing at Silver Spur...BRE! Whoa, BRE was something that I don't think will be topped, but we are going to try! I am going to miss the boys...despite what I say, they are so fun and really loving. Taking care of 4 boys is not an easy task, but you have those moments that make it all worth it. Dylan is so unique and says some of the most random, funny things. I remember I had to borrow 2 bucks from Janice, and she had to borrow it from Dylan...he brought it to Janice and said, "Go buy yourself something nice." He said that with a straight face...Janice and I busted up laughing. Jake is a charmer and a negotiator. This kid could probably sell ice to an Eskimo. He is such a sweetheart and I am really going to miss him. Cole is something else. This kid can make me laugh and smile. He is such a cuddler and I love it! He always has to rub fabric and sucks his thumb when he cuddles. He is really coming into his personality and I can't wait to see him grow. Tyler is a hoot! This kid is so smart and he is so funny. The other day I was trying to get them all ready for the day and trying to get Dylan off to school, Tyler came over to me, stood right in front of me, cocked his head to the side and said, "I love you Aunt B" and then gave me the biggest hug! It was the sweetest thing and I think he sensed that I was getting frustrated. I really am going to miss them all so much. I am going to miss my ward. I have come to love and appreciate the dynamic of Monmouth 2nd Ward. I have been blessed with people who truly reach out and show that extra kindness. A girl names Leanne, from the ward, has become very special to me and I am really sad to say good-bye to her. She understands me and gets me and yet she still loves me. I am so glad that we got to know each other better, and wish we had spent more time together. She did promise to come visit me in Utah...and I will be back to Oregon to visit. It will be good. She has taught me not to give up. Leanne has been such a great example of someone that I know I can be. Her faith is so strong and so whole. I admire her. Her testimony shows in all she does. I am really going to miss her!! I am going to miss Kim and Andreya...oh those two...what a pair! You two keep it real!! fo sho! Sarah is such a sweetheart and I am going to miss laughing about "MJ"!! Ha! Oh and killing spiders in the middle of the night! Sarah has such an innocence and youthful spirit...it may be that she is a lot younger than me...but she is so much fun to be around, and I am sad that I didn't get to know her sister Whitney better. Overall, it is a good ward, and good people to surround yourself with.
So here I am at 6:30 in the morning on the day after packing the U-haul, getting ready for the drive to Utah today and I am wide awake...once I finally fell asleep early this morning I didn't think I would be up til at least 8! I really wanted to leave around 5 this morning, but I would have had maybe 4 hours sleep. So...I got 5 instead! Hooray for that extra hour...I am ready to get going...on the road with Laura is one of the best things I can think of and I am so ready to have FUN! This is going to be an epic road trip...So we should get to Utah late, late tonight. We are staying with my brother Mike and his family. I finally get to meet Max! My newest little nephew. We are unloading our stuff tomorrow and then Saturday morning we are leaving for LA. Jake is having a very special show and so many people are going to be there. I am excited to finally meet Katie! I cannot wait. We will stay in LA for the night and hang our on Sunday. Then we are driving to Temecula and staying with Laura's brother and his family for a week or so...then driving to Arizona to stay with my parents, go through all my boxes there, have Thanksgiving with Jorden, Kayla, my mom and dad, Gerrad, Jeni and Steven. I am hoping that I will get to see my Grandma and Grandpa while I am there. Then headed back to Utah to start working and living. I know that Utah is where we are supposed to be right now and I am getting excited to see family and friends that I haven't seen for a while. It will be great to see Shari and be there for her. I am hoping to reconnect with Jess, Chante, Katie and Cari. It is going to be good. I just know it will be. Well I am going to get going...time to wake up Laura and get on the road...

Procrastination...One of my Strongest Traits...

Procrastination...

Jake Walden follows up his critically acclaimed album, Alive and Screaming, with an exquisite cover of Leona Lewis' smash "Bleeding Love." The duet with actress and singer/songwriter Bonnie Somerville, who was featured on the Grammy Award winning Garden State Soundtrack, intimately captures the song's essence. The track is packaged with 3 b-sides (2 live tracks and one demo) that showcase the core of Walden's signature vulnerability.

BUY New EP 'Bleeding Love' on ITunes

These tracks are also available as a package with Alive and Screaming in a Deluxe Version, which contains all 16 tracks.

BUY New 'Deluxe Edition' on ITunes

Find out more about Jake Walden at www.jakewalden.com

"Same Something Different"

I don't know where or how to begin this post...

I am sitting here at almost 4 in the morning, my mind, my heart, my soul are all going 100 miles an hour! Now I know that you all have heard me give praise and have seen my undying admiration of a man named Jake. It has almost been a year since Jake's music has entered my life...almost a year, 9 months...and at this point I feel like I have known Jake for my whole lifetime.

This man, Jake, has done a number on my heart, who I am and who I want to become. I have done posts about Jake in the past, about performances, conversations we have had and documenting some of the journey that this man has taken. This post is the "Same Something Different" It is the same as previous posts, yet it is entirely something different in its' meaning and purpose.

I received a little message from Jake on October 1st. It said...

"You look beautiful in your new picture...I know i have been absent, but this time around, I need your strength as (like the world works) I find myself in deep holes and unsure times....and need that Brenda energy.....Pick a song to sing along to!!!!! Yeah, like in the mic...why not?
love, Jake"

Imagine for a moment how this would make one feel...at first I couldn't breath! I remember where I was and who I was with...and thinking, "me? singing WITH Jake? What??" and then thinking..."sure, why not?"

I don't know how many people know this about me, but I have always loved to sing and I have always loved music. In my church, when we feel it is right, we get a patriarchal blessing. I got mine when I was 13. I don't want to share much about it because it is so special and sacred to me, but to understand why this message meant so much, you have to know a couple things.  The blessing is something to have as you go through your life, a sort of map, but it is not specific, usually. One line from my blessing says..."Learn to sing." Simple, straight to the point and pretty specific if you ask me! I have always had a desire to learn to sing and to sing for people and touch their lives in some way that would have a positive affect on them. I was, and kind of still am, painfully shy. I didn't think it would ever happen. I NEVER thought I would ever sing in front of people that could actually hear me!

To have an opportunity like this was something I had seen only seen in my dreams. I couldn't believe it. The days leading up to Saturday the 3rd, were filled with emotions of happiness, scared, nervous, joy, utter disbelief and a longing to follow through with telling Jake "YES!" Saturday came and it was time to go...many things seemed to delay the trip to Washington, and frustration set it. I was nervous the ENTIRE drive up. My tummy full of butterflies and knots like I have never felt before. Oh and the anticipation of just seeing Jake, let along singing with him, was off the charts.

I drove up with Laura and Janice, ready for a evening of unknowns, the only sure thing was I was going to see Jake.  That brought so much comfort to me and kept me sane!  We finally arrive, after a few close calls and mishaps, but we made it. Cheri's house is amazing and being in the same house with Jake gave me feelings of peace, comfort and love. I could feel the buzz of his energy the moment he walked in the room. He gave hugs! Oh this man gives the best hugs! We were able to sit and chat for a little bit and then we had a little rehearsal. I thought this might actually happen! Sitting up there next to him at the "piano" and trying to sing loud enough into the mic was something else! I had a hard time making my voice audible...but hello, I was going to sing with Jake, a musician, a fantastic artist with a voice like no other...and ME, I was supposed to sing with him! I didn't feel worthy enough, until I could look in Jake's eyes and see the joy on his face. The happiness HE was feeling, to be able to make him smile and give him that energy, was all I needed.  I knew I could do it. I realized it wasn't about me getting up there and singing in front of people, it wasn't about me having the opportunity to sing. It was about Jake doing what he loved. It was about giving back to Jake a fraction of the joy he has given me. It was about Jake. It was about Jake.

The evening progressed beautifully. Jake came out to perform. As he always does, whatever he sings, was something that captivates your whole being. You feel as if it is just you and Jake in the room. I have felt that before, and I know I will feel it again. He sang Neil Young's 'Only Love Can Break Your Heart' What an amazing talent Jake has. He sang a few of the classics...'Too Young', 'Alive and Screaming', 'For Someone', 'Come Along', 'Same Something Different', and a very special performance of 'We Are'. I was able to sing 'We Are' with him, yes I sang loud enough for the people to hear and I sang for Jake. As long as I kept my eyes on Jake, the song was for him. I was nervous, but I enjoyed every minute of it.



Jake finished singing for us and everyone LOVED him. We got to mingle for a while and then Laura, Janice, Karla, Jake and I sat and talked, shared stories, and laughed...such good times. We even tried to teach Jake to line dance! It was a night of laughter, friends, music and love. We talked and danced into the wee hours of the morning. Jake and I were able to share a few quiet moments and talk. Then it was time to go. Jake was exhausted and it was late. Saying goodbye was hard, I must have given him a dozen hugs...some of those hugs were for Rike, Shelly, and Brigi. We drove to Karla's house for the night and I sat and watched the videos and looked at the pictures and started to write.

It was a night that I will never forget. It was a night that I believe deepened the connection Jake and I share. He truly has touched and changed my life in more ways than he will ever comprehend.

Jake, thank you so much for all that you have given me. Thank you for your music, your words, your heart. You have a special light in you and sometimes I see you struggle to let it shine. Let it shine! I cannot believe that only 9 months ago I "found" you, and how much of an influence you are on me. You have given me so much confidence and so much strength. I hope that you know how much you mean to me. In your words, my friend, Be You!
Love me.

 

Brenda...about me!!

I have found a website that asks you to ask all kinds of questions about yourself. It is a journal writing exercise, and since I really haven't been blogging much I thought that I would just do a little one about me! I don't know if I am keeping the blog for others to read, I really don't know how many people out there actually read my blog, so I am guessing that I am just keeping it for me. I like the idea of random people reading this...but still think that I have to do it for myself....so here are some things about me...

My favorite color is because....Yellow...it is my overall, all-time favorite color, for the most obvious reasons...it is bright and happy. I have always loved it, I have always wanted a house that I could paint a pretty soft yellow, that would make it inviting...I have a ton of favorite colors, for various reasons...purple, green, blue, recently (in the last few years) pink...red...there are so many to choose from.

My favorite dream was…I am a dreamer. I love dreams. I love sleep so I can dream. I have been blessed with the great ability to remember in great detail most of my dreams. In the last few years I have also been able to recall dreams and replay them in my mind as I am drifting off to sleep, and the dream will continue. I also love to write, so I have been able to write out many dreams I have had. The most recent dream that I have had that would be my favorite would have to be...

I was sitting in a small hotel lounge area. There was this massive fireplace, a beautiful black, glossy grand piano, bench seating along the walls with huge picture windows. Outside the ocean was crisp and blue and beautiful, the sun glowing warm red and orange rays across the waves, the sky was a deep blue melted into a lighter blue, which melted and mixed with reds, oranges, yellows and purple. The most magnificent sunset I have ever seen. There are people from all over the world, there to see a good friend perform and to hang out. We were all gathered around Jake talking and laughing and having a good time. When Jake started to get restless...he kept looking over at me and giving me the eyes that say, "help, get me outta here for just a min, I need to regroup!" After a few more minutes, I casually get up and nod for Jake to join me. We step outside on a balcony that overlooks the beach with the ocean waves crashing on the sand, and just breathe, it is almost completely silent...the only sound is the waves and a few seagulls...close your eyes and breathe in the salty ocean air, feel the light breeze on your skin...it was peaceful...so very peaceful. For a few moments we are just standing there, taking it all in, when I say..."I will let you be alone."
Jake takes my hand and says, "Thank you."
A simple thank you and I say, "Your welcome, it is my pleasure."
He then gives me a hug and just says, "I love you. I love you for being a good person and for being my friend."
I tell him, "I love you too." The feeling of being in his arms was so comforting and surrounded by peace. I tell him, "You have changed me, changed me to be a better human being, to be more kind, loving, open and happy."
He tells me, "I believe in you."
I say, "Thank you, though thank you could never cover all that you have given me. I believe in you too...so much."
We just stay embraced in each others arms...knowing that our friendship is something special.

I woke up...I woke up feeling so much love and gratitude for Jake and his presence in my life. For the moments that we have shared and for the understanding we have of each other. It is amazing to me how remembering that dream can still bring that feeling of peace and comfort to me. Much like the times that I have been able to spend with Jake and have those same feelings, the photos from our times together are priceless to me, they can bring back the feeling so quickly. I have been blessed and feel so lucky to know Jake. Thank You Jake....

So those are a couple of questions that I found on this site. My goal is to write at least once a month...if I can write each week that will be even better...I miss blogging...I miss typing and just letting my mind go with the thoughts and random stuff that is in there...stuff that I don't understand, stuff that makes me happy, stuff that makes me sad...all of it...time to figure some of it out.

Sleep is Eluding Me...

Can't sleep right now...really should be though...so many thoughts and scenarios keep running through my mind. Stuff that I really have no control over, yet I sit here and over-analyze the what-ifs. They aren't all bad what-ifs...some could be quite delightful...but entertaining those ideas is a waste...if it doesn't happen then I am disappointed. I set myself up for failure to much in my life. I need to learn to just let things happen like they are meant to happen. The only thing I can control is me and my effort that I put into myself to be true to myself and be the best me! I am still doing school, and I think the person that is most surprised about this is me. I new when I started school that I WANTED to finish, but subconsciously thought that it would last a few months then I would get bored and move on. I did get the itch to do just that, but needed to be my own cheerleader to continue and not talk about quitting. I am proud that I have come this far...
I really don't have a point to this blog...this is more for myself.

"A Case of You" Cover by Jake Walden....

Once again, Jake Walden has shared something so very special. Take a moment and watch, listen…. Hopefully his music will touch you in a very special way and you will seek out and embrace all that he has to give. Once you do, you will know, at that moment that he is like no other…..

Please share this with your friends…. with love.

In Jake’s words ~ “A Case of You”

There are few songs that remain constants for me. This song is for my Mom who's birthday is this week. A Case of You along with so many Joni songs have been the bridge between us and helped in growing our friendship throughout my adult life. Blue, the album this is off of was a seminal piece of work in my Mom's life, and luckily it became the same for me. There really are no words to say how much this song means to me, as a writer, a singer and a hopeless romantic. I find it's meanings to be endless and I hope in this little moment, in that tiny room with that old microphone I was able to capture just that.

Peace, Jake

Something new...but something familiar.....

I have been thinking a lot about opposition and how in almost everything it is pretty much guaranteed....we all have moments of joy...moments of sadness...Opposition is in all things...to know the joy of a moment, means you'll have to face the sorrow of another...the sorrow won't always be upon us, so fully cherish joy before it is to late....

I have been really focusing or being more aware of how each moment affects my day or affects my feelings...and trying to be more appreciative for both sides of opposition...my joy is more joyful, knowing it comes back again and again.
After a full day, I reflect back on the day and most of the time I tend to see the "crappy" part/s of the day...what made me angry, what frustrated me, what mad me sad. I have been really making an effort to recall either before or after that "crap" moment, a moment that made me smile, or made me laugh, brought up a happy memory...seeing my kitten Maizee pounce on Sid, watching kids playing, seeing a tv show from when I was a kid, laughing with my best friend, hearing music that means a lot to me...it always turns out that there is so many moments of happiness, or joy, or laughter! It changes my whole lookout...the next day it is easier to just let the frustrations go....I think, "is someone driving way to slow for me really going to matter in my overall life? When I am 88 and sitting with my grandkids, and I going to tell them how frustrating the rude waiter was at dinner that one night in 2009? No, and it is so nice to know that...remembering how my cats would play, or how much fun Lo and I can have over some tasty fast food and late night re-runs! How much fun it is to jump on the trampoline with the kids instead of being frustrated that there is a mess in the kitchen that should be cleaned...

For me I know that there are going to be rough times, and stuff that I can't just brush off...stuff that will have to be faced, but I know that I am strong enough to get through anything that comes my way. I am capable of so much and I KNOW that! I also know that I don't have to go through any of this alone, I will always have support from those who love me...and I have come to realize that there are a LOT of people who love me. I am one lucky person. Take a look at the people in your life and you will find that you have a whole spectrum of people who love you!

I didn't mean for this to go on this long...I just wanted to give you an update on where I am in life!! Things are good, still in school, still in beautiful Oregon, still going strong! Thank you to all of the people that are in my life and mean so much to me...you know who you are...and if you are unsure just send me a message and I will tell you!

ONE MILLION STRONG....

You all already know that I love this man! well, both of them! Jake's music is mostly ballads that are raw and emotional. For me they give me hope and say what I don't have words for. He is incredibly genuine and the music comes from his heart and soul. Obviously you can tell I am very passionate about him. Go to his MySpace and listen to his songs. I would recommend one... Read More specifically to listen to, but I love them all it is hard to choose...although I am really into "We Are" right now. His video for that is on his MySpace page too. Here is the link... http://www.myspace.com/jakewalden
Enjoy and let me know what you think. Matt I haven't meet, but I have heard his songs and they are just as beautiful. They are very soothing and just beautiful. Check them both out. It is worth a few minutes to listen to them. Here is Matt's link...http://www.myspace.com/mattalber


http://www.facebook.com/inbox/readmessage.php?t=1132692411278&f=1&e=-12#/event.php?eid=107432679899&ref=nf

"Hope is the dream of a man awake." --French Proverb

It's been a while since I have written anything on here...or much on my other blog. I have been reflecting a lot lately and have had to make some difficult decisions, well they should have been easy, they were the right things to do, but still I was afraid of the changes and challenges that would be coming my way...I am finally on a path that is moving forward in my life...and it feels good...some moments are scary...but most moments are joyful. I am seeing life with new eyes and a new attitude, and whatever comes my way, I will embrace it, learn from it, and seek what is right. Throughout this past few weeks I have been blessed with many people that have made my life brighter and have given me hope to keep going...hope is a beautiful thing and such a precious gift. I also believe that hope can come in many ways from many people. I have learned and felt hope from those in my life in different ways at different times...sometimes even at the same time. Laura is my rock and my guardian angel. She knows what I am capable of and she makes me see that...it may take her a while for it to get through my thick head, but she doesn't give up. She believes in me and makes me want to be a better person. She gives me hope on a daily basis as I see what she goes through and how she makes her life happy....even with all the stresses that she deals with...she gives me the hope of having the scary moments few and far between with millions of side-splitting, crying induced moments of laughter....we can be as silly as 4 year olds and that is sometimes all you need to make your day brighter...I love Laura and I think that we have a very special relationship. We are family by blood, sisters by heart and most of all best friends of the soul. I wish everyone could experience the way we are together...through the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the silly, the scary, the joy and the pain...Loovveee Yooouuu! :) Recently in my life, I would say in the last year, there have been some new people to my life...most I have felt I have known my whole life...some I have been searching for my whole life without even really knowing it. Most of you know about Jake Walden by now...and if you don't you should. He is amazing. Jake has become such a dear friend. It is amazing how so much of what I feel inside and never knew how to say the words. I think that everyone that has read anything from Jake, heard his music, or been in the same room with him understands what I am talking about. He is a giver of hope to follow your dreams without fear, to be brave and vunerable, to share yourself with others and to BE YOU, and that is is ok to just be you...through Jake I have meet so many others that I am proud to call my friends....

Rock the Space

Stalker Status: Not a stalker!!!

My dear friend Jake has written something that has really touched my life and my heart. Every time I read it, I can’t help but smile and feel more and more hope for growth and opportunity. This man knows me all too well, and in such a short time. Strange how that works, I feel like I have known him my whole life, but I am just discovering the intensity and depth of who he is. Many of you have only seen how I have been trying to spread his name and music on the internet…very few have seen the connection that has been established between the two of us. It is something that I can’t explain fully, because it is something special between the two of us. I have gotten a lot of flak from people about “obsessing about Jake”, but in reality, where I do reside, I understand where they are coming from and the lack of understanding. I am not here to put anyone down or hurt anyone’s feelings, but I just want you to see a little of how Jake and I have made a difference in each other’s lives. And yes I have had a talk with Jake about “me being a stalker” and we have established that we are friends. The reason I try to promote him so much is because he is a new artist, and is just starting out. I believe in him and his talents. His music has so much meaning and makes me think about things. His blogs that he has written have opened my eyes to how he sees the world, and sometimes how I have seen the world. I feel such joy, happiness, hope, inspiration and awe every time I listen to him sing. I want people to feel the same way, I want people to feel what I have felt and know that there is goodness out there in the world, you just have to be willing to search and listen, for it can be so fleeting, and you could miss something amazing. I am always looking for things to better myself and to make me try harder to be who I KNOW I am. Having listened to Jake’s music, I have felt a little of that. Since meeting him, talking with him and being around him, he makes me want to be a better me. His signature advice that he tells to everyone he meets or talks to or even emails, is BE YOU…how simple that can be, but can also be so complex. This is the only life we have and we need to do the best we can with it. We are all in this together, we need each other to survive, if you have something wonderful that you have discovered wouldn’t you want to share that with everyone you know? Wouldn’t you want your best friend or family to feel that also? I have been writing poems for a long time, most of them about the Gospel and not giving up even though we go through hard times. I have not shared them with many, usually with just who they were written for and family. Since meeting Jake I am getting better at sharing them with others. I am also letting myself be more open to inspiration and writing more…scary for me to put myself out there like that, but it is something that I working on…no fear in sharing.

Here is what I wanted to share...it makes me smile and it makes me happy...if only for me...that is good enough. Go and find something that makes you smile and shine!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Thought of the day...like a phantom muscle memory...May 18, 2009 There once was a girl, a woman actually who wrote something, from her heart, from real life, for a time that was, and most of all for herself. There once was a man named Jake, some may say that's me, and he took the step out the door one day, and his feet did not stop moving for a month. The goal, to play music every night, in a different city, with two of his musical heroes and genuine friends, with no money, only a schedule, a car, and lots of stuff. Every day, every night, every moment he was awake in this month, and sometimes even in his dreams...he was PRESENT in his life, for life was showing him so much. And he sang, how he sang, and the people came, and moments were had, and pianos forever banged just so slightly out of tune. He came back, from where he started and took one breath. He slept for 12 hours on a friends floor and woke up with his mind and spirit like a phantom muscle memory of a newly lost limb, still feeling as if he were there. But he wasn't....and yet, it was OK. All he wanted to do was to somehow put to words for any and all who have given him so much to him, to share in what was one of the greatest adventure of this particular man's life. But before all that, before the inadequacy of storytelling could be created he received a letter. The letter was from Brenda, the girl, no woman, who this story is really about. It said, in the way she writes the man when she is nervous to share, " Here it is....thank you so much for everything. Love, Brenda" http://justbrenslife.blogspot.com/2009/05/shine-til-end-for-someone.html This man named Jake, this man, me, is touched, and not in a fleeting way...no, touched in a way that changes you. B R E N D A (spells Brenda) thank YOU for everything, for being our witness and allowing me to know you. Till next time my friend. Love, Jake

Solitude...

this is going to be a really random entry of thoughts...lately I have been writing a lot and this morning I had a "moment" of clarity and a sense of solitude. In this moment of solitude I became less fearful of being me. I was driving this morning...early morning...through the streets and past the businesses that weren't open yet, I did not see a single car, a single sign of life outside of where I was. At first it was intriguing to me and I thought how I felt so totally and completely alone, but a good alone...not the bad alone feeling. I felt solitude, peace, invisible, alive. I felt like I could be me, with no fear, none of the fear of what others might think of me and how I act, in my own life, how I act! I shouldn't be acting, I should just be, be in the moment and living. It was nice to be in this moment with nothing, yet everything, everything in my mind...all that I have learned, felt, the joy, the pain, the memories, oh the memories and how I can recall any one of them, by just a thought...then I thought I don't want to be alone, I started to feel insignificant and wanting life to be around me. I wanted people to interact with, to be with, to laugh and share with. I started to panic a little, not in a bad way, but more of a wondering, waiting, searching for the moment I can breathe normally again...searching for a car, or a light in a business, or even a cat creeping out of the bushes, some sign of SOMEONE other than me....there it is, the car, the human in it, and as I pass by him, I look at him, I mean really look at him, our eyes connect and I smile, he smiles back and I wonder if he, too, had just felt the solitude and peace and longing to be who he is, who he really is, or if he would have even recognized the moment and could take it all in. Then I see another car, and another and lights coming on as businesses are getting ready for the day and it seems that the magic of that moment was lost, or is it? Can I close my eyes and take myself back to moment of solitude, to the peace, the silence of the world? Of course I can...that is the power of the mind, once you feel something, you cannot unfeel it (is unfeel even a word? it is now!) So, why did I write this? It may not make any sense to you, but it was an incredible feeling and I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, or the sense that it is okay to be me and put this out there, or even that I am feeling inspired by my dear friend, Jake (as in Jake Walden...if you don't know who that is yet, maybe you should!), that makes me feel confident in being me, and has made me more aware of how to look at the world with new eyes, with a sense of purpose and awe in all that life gives us. The beauty in each day and in each person, how lucky we are to be in this world, how lucky we are to just be, just be.

I went to the coast the other day with the family and wow, it was beautiful, I wrote something that day..."Sitting here in the warm sun, my eyes closed, feeling the breeze on my face, smelling the salty ocean air and listening to the waves crash against the rocks and along the shore...I feel so blissfully happy and full of joy in my heart and soul. There is something so tranquil and peaceful about the ocean, the sounds of the waves, the view of blue as far as the eye can see and beyond...the warm, grainy sand under my feet and in between my toes, all my senses seem to be alive and more attuned to nature and a bigger picture that I don't quite see...in time I will, my eyes are opened wider and become more observant each day. I have felt the calm and warmth of peacefulness lately in my life, more often and with more gratitude than ever before."

About a week ago, I took Laura to work and when I got home I sat in the silence of the car, closed my eyes and listened to the birds chirping and the muffled sounds of cars driving by...and thought...wow, I AM happy. I asked myself how I had finally felt happy...my mind started to reflect back on things and I pondered how I had gotten to this point. I sat out there for about 20 mins and thought to myself, self..you should go get that big yellow blanket and lay it on the grass and do your homework out here and maybe write a blog entry about reflecting and listen to Jake. I thought what a great idea...I won't have the distraction of the TV, the messy house that is to dark...outside would be perfect. I came in, got everything together and opened the door...it was raining, no real surprise, I do live in Oregon after all. There goes that idea...yet my mind was still reflecting and racing with words I can't seem to write quick enough...but I will write them, my mind has a way of storing an idea and letting it stew til it's ready and then I can put it on paper (or computer) in a matter of minutes. It just flows out perfectly...and only sometimes I edit it to make it more pleasing. I have been writing a lot lately, and I may have a point to this blog, it could go a lot of ways I guess...about how I am happy and how I got here, the amazing power of memories and being able to reflect upon past moments. I could even share somethings I have written, with no fear of course...because, well I don't know really why no fear...I mean I do but I don't. And it is something that I am working on, part of the "new" me.

Here goes...this is for you Jake.

No longer will I let you hold me back
All along I have been strong enough, but you let me doubt myself
You lead me to believe, to believe that I was weak
Thought I needed you, thought I was your world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now,
I can see it clearly now

All through the years, thought you treated me right
Everyone kept telling me that you were holding me down
I fought back, defending your intentions for me
Thought you needed me, thought you were my world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now

I've struggled with this decision to go my own way
I've finally made up my mind to set myself free
The next time you see me, don't try to hold me
The next time you see me, I will be stronger

One last look in the mirror and you are gone
I see me for me now, no resemblance of who I used to be
I can go on my way having let go of the me I once was
Free from my past and all that held me down, now I am me
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with this last drop I am free
The streaks on my face are gone, I can see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now

Shine, Til The End, For Someone....

So here is how three incredible musicians changed my life and the amazing things I discovered about myself. In a previous post, I wrote about a singer/songwriter named Jake Walden. Since the first time I heard Jake's raw, emotion-filled voice something in me changed. The words he wrote, the music he composed, the passion he sang with, the bravery he showed, his soul he shared, ignited something in me. It ignited every hope I had for myself of being able to create words that would somehow touch anothers life. It ignited the desire I've had in me to allow myself to be who I am and who I want to become. It ignited a change in me that I knew was something true, something special, something real.
When Jake left a message on my blog, I felt like someone special to someone who got who I am. Never did I think I would ever meet him. That all changed in a matter of hours. I wrote a post about that too. After I met him, it was pretty amazing. April finally got closer and I grew anxious and nervous about seeing him again. I had kept in contact with him through facebook and myspace. I even got to know his Aunt Lori and Aunt Heather better through emails. They are such wonderful people. His birthday was one of the nights he was performing in Oregon and I really wanted to go. I wanted to give him a special gift. His aunts also sent a birthday card for him for me to deliver to him! It was quite an honor.
So the tour Jake has been on is called Rock The Folk OUT. He is traveling with 2 other artists. Stewart Lewis and Tom Goss. The three of them have a real chemistry and can put on quite a show. I was able to attend a few shows...

April 27, 2009 Seattle, Washington: The first night I was able to go see them was in Seattle. This was such an amazing evening. We got to the Jewelbox Theater and waited in line. I peeked around the line and caught Jake's eye. He came over and gave me a big hug and kiss. He is such a sweetie! I introduced him to Laura and we talked for a minute, then he had to go get set up. I was finally able to meet Cheri! She is such a sweetheart. We got into the theater and sat down right in front. I went out and met Tom Goss and Stewart Lewis. These guys are amazing! The show started off with Jake singing. Oh my it was so good to hear his voice LIVE again, something in his voice just comes across so strongly when you are sitting right there with him. He did a few songs. Then Stewart Lewis got up and sang. Stewart is such a character and I love his smile. You can't help but smile when he smiles. He is definitely a treat to see live! Tom Goss sang next and it was so beautiful. I couldn't wait to hear what he was going to sing next. They all got up and sang together and it was so beautiful. I know that for Cheri it will be a night she won't forget! After the show we were all able to hang out and talk. It was so wonderful. I didn't want it to end. There was a very good vibe and the guys did great. I took a lot of pictures...



April 28, 2009 Portland, Oregon: This show I was a little more nervous. I went to Portland by myself. I have to say it was an intense show. I was able to meet another one of Jake's aunts and two of his cousins. They all were so nice. The show went beautifully. Jake started out. He sang some of my favorites. It was so so perfect. Stewart sang next and still wowed me with his charm and made me feel so happy. Tom came next and he was so into the music. At some times I felt as if I was the only one in the room with them. I was able to hang out for a little while after everyone had left...Tom and Jake had to wait for Stewart to come back with the keys. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I was able to talk more personally with Jake and Tom. These men have such beautiful souls. I felt so lucky to be a part of that night. Of course, more pictures....




April 29, 2009 Eugene, Oregon: This was an especially special night. For a few reasons...1) My last night seeing them for a whole week...I know how could I stand it??...and 2) Jake's birthday!
What an incredible night for me! The show was so spectacular. I can tell you that during Jake's entire set, I felt like he and I were the only ones there. I feel so lucky to be able to have been at this show (and all the other ones too!). Stewart was again his charming self. I freakin' love Stewart. You rock! Tom did so amazing. I loved every minute of it! All three of the guys got up to do their closer song, a cover of Coldplay's "Yellow", but then Stewart started singing about me...yes, me! How spectacular it was. Jake and Tom started to sing with Stewart and they did an impromptu three part harmony song on the spot about me! It was truly a magical moment that I will never forget. Thank you, thank you boys for that moment. After the guys were done, I had just a little time to sit with Jake and give him his birthday gifts. Before the show I was able to give Jake his card from his Aunts. He was surprised! What an honor to be able to give him something special from his Aunts when he was on the road. Laura and I put together a Road Trip Essentials Kit! It contained things from chap stick to Zicam. All the little things that come in handy, plus a crossword puzzle book and a trivia game. I was so nervous for the next present...It was something that was special to me and I hoped that Jake would love it. He opened it and I think by his reaction he loved it. I loved being able to see his face when he saw it. It was a moment that I won't ever forget. It turned out to be a very wonderful night and I was a little sad that I wasn't going to be at some of the shows until May. I survived though! I had created a bond with these three men and I hope that they know how much all of them mean to me. Truly a once in a lifetime experience that I will never forget. Of course again I have more pictures....
















May 10, 2009 Tempe, Arizona: I have to say that I am completely lucky that I have been able to meet and hang out with the guys from Rock The Folk OUT Tour 2009. This Sunday evening was so laid back and just a good time. I laughed and cried and felt adored. Julia, Jake's cousin, was able to be there that night and it was so good to see her again. I had met her in Vegas back in February. I also got to meet Tom's partner Mike. He is so nice. As before, the music was so beautiful. I loved every minutes of it. I loved singing along with the guys. Tom sat right by me when the other guys were playing. Jake sat just behind me when the other guys were playing too. It was so nice. I felt so lucky to have become friends with the guys. As always they made me feel so comfortable and beautiful. They did a remix version of the Brenda song...B R E N D A spells Brenda...so incredible. I was able to spend a little more time with Jake again and talk some more. He is such a beautiful person and he has so much inside, and gives so much. What an inspiration he has been to me. Of course there were more pictures...I am sure I drove those boys crazy with all the pictures I have taken...but you know me I am picture taker...I love photography and the memories they hold for me.



May 13, 2009 Tucson, Arizona: Wow I have so many thoughts in my mind right now. Tonight was something special, more than I could have ever imagined. The emotion, the love, the friendship, the support, the sad and the happy...all of it, all the small looks, the winks, the smiles, the songs and the words shared...a connection of pure honesty and love amongst the people in the room. All brought together through the strength and magic of music. You could hear a pin drop as the piano was played and the songs were sung, as the strumming of the guitar and message of the songs. Each would feel it in their own way, an interpretation of words meshed beautifully with notes. The bittersweet end of an adventure for those who experienced it, in whatever way, at one show or five, through the words of friends far and wide, through the eyes of strangers who became friends. Many, many moments so deep and personal, many moments of laughter and joy, and moments of sadness and despair. This will forever, for me, be a passageway to the hopes and dreams I long to accomplish. A time in my life that was truly a life changing collection of moments...a time of growth and hope, of love and appreciation, of admiration and gratitude. From Tom the beauty of deep and lasting true love. From Stewart the happiness and shining moments of music, oh that smile of his. From Jake the bravery and vulnerability to be who you are, with no fear. So much from Jake...the confidence to follow your heart and dreams...so so much from Jake. What a way to end the tour...to close this chapter and take the moments into ourselves and learn, grow and find a piece of who we are. I truly am grateful to all those who have touched my life. I will never be able to show enough thanks, there is so so much. I wanted to describe each and every moment, but some of those are meant just for those involved. For me in this moment when it has come to a close, I know that it is just the beginning for so many things. I love the people I have met and I love the times that were shared. I have no more words, except in the words of Jake, "be you"