Solitude...

this is going to be a really random entry of thoughts...lately I have been writing a lot and this morning I had a "moment" of clarity and a sense of solitude. In this moment of solitude I became less fearful of being me. I was driving this morning...early morning...through the streets and past the businesses that weren't open yet, I did not see a single car, a single sign of life outside of where I was. At first it was intriguing to me and I thought how I felt so totally and completely alone, but a good alone...not the bad alone feeling. I felt solitude, peace, invisible, alive. I felt like I could be me, with no fear, none of the fear of what others might think of me and how I act, in my own life, how I act! I shouldn't be acting, I should just be, be in the moment and living. It was nice to be in this moment with nothing, yet everything, everything in my mind...all that I have learned, felt, the joy, the pain, the memories, oh the memories and how I can recall any one of them, by just a thought...then I thought I don't want to be alone, I started to feel insignificant and wanting life to be around me. I wanted people to interact with, to be with, to laugh and share with. I started to panic a little, not in a bad way, but more of a wondering, waiting, searching for the moment I can breathe normally again...searching for a car, or a light in a business, or even a cat creeping out of the bushes, some sign of SOMEONE other than me....there it is, the car, the human in it, and as I pass by him, I look at him, I mean really look at him, our eyes connect and I smile, he smiles back and I wonder if he, too, had just felt the solitude and peace and longing to be who he is, who he really is, or if he would have even recognized the moment and could take it all in. Then I see another car, and another and lights coming on as businesses are getting ready for the day and it seems that the magic of that moment was lost, or is it? Can I close my eyes and take myself back to moment of solitude, to the peace, the silence of the world? Of course I can...that is the power of the mind, once you feel something, you cannot unfeel it (is unfeel even a word? it is now!) So, why did I write this? It may not make any sense to you, but it was an incredible feeling and I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, or the sense that it is okay to be me and put this out there, or even that I am feeling inspired by my dear friend, Jake (as in Jake Walden...if you don't know who that is yet, maybe you should!), that makes me feel confident in being me, and has made me more aware of how to look at the world with new eyes, with a sense of purpose and awe in all that life gives us. The beauty in each day and in each person, how lucky we are to be in this world, how lucky we are to just be, just be.

I went to the coast the other day with the family and wow, it was beautiful, I wrote something that day..."Sitting here in the warm sun, my eyes closed, feeling the breeze on my face, smelling the salty ocean air and listening to the waves crash against the rocks and along the shore...I feel so blissfully happy and full of joy in my heart and soul. There is something so tranquil and peaceful about the ocean, the sounds of the waves, the view of blue as far as the eye can see and beyond...the warm, grainy sand under my feet and in between my toes, all my senses seem to be alive and more attuned to nature and a bigger picture that I don't quite see...in time I will, my eyes are opened wider and become more observant each day. I have felt the calm and warmth of peacefulness lately in my life, more often and with more gratitude than ever before."

About a week ago, I took Laura to work and when I got home I sat in the silence of the car, closed my eyes and listened to the birds chirping and the muffled sounds of cars driving by...and thought...wow, I AM happy. I asked myself how I had finally felt happy...my mind started to reflect back on things and I pondered how I had gotten to this point. I sat out there for about 20 mins and thought to myself, self..you should go get that big yellow blanket and lay it on the grass and do your homework out here and maybe write a blog entry about reflecting and listen to Jake. I thought what a great idea...I won't have the distraction of the TV, the messy house that is to dark...outside would be perfect. I came in, got everything together and opened the door...it was raining, no real surprise, I do live in Oregon after all. There goes that idea...yet my mind was still reflecting and racing with words I can't seem to write quick enough...but I will write them, my mind has a way of storing an idea and letting it stew til it's ready and then I can put it on paper (or computer) in a matter of minutes. It just flows out perfectly...and only sometimes I edit it to make it more pleasing. I have been writing a lot lately, and I may have a point to this blog, it could go a lot of ways I guess...about how I am happy and how I got here, the amazing power of memories and being able to reflect upon past moments. I could even share somethings I have written, with no fear of course...because, well I don't know really why no fear...I mean I do but I don't. And it is something that I am working on, part of the "new" me.

Here goes...this is for you Jake.

No longer will I let you hold me back
All along I have been strong enough, but you let me doubt myself
You lead me to believe, to believe that I was weak
Thought I needed you, thought I was your world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now,
I can see it clearly now

All through the years, thought you treated me right
Everyone kept telling me that you were holding me down
I fought back, defending your intentions for me
Thought you needed me, thought you were my world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now

I've struggled with this decision to go my own way
I've finally made up my mind to set myself free
The next time you see me, don't try to hold me
The next time you see me, I will be stronger

One last look in the mirror and you are gone
I see me for me now, no resemblance of who I used to be
I can go on my way having let go of the me I once was
Free from my past and all that held me down, now I am me
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with this last drop I am free
The streaks on my face are gone, I can see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now