Solitude...

this is going to be a really random entry of thoughts...lately I have been writing a lot and this morning I had a "moment" of clarity and a sense of solitude. In this moment of solitude I became less fearful of being me. I was driving this morning...early morning...through the streets and past the businesses that weren't open yet, I did not see a single car, a single sign of life outside of where I was. At first it was intriguing to me and I thought how I felt so totally and completely alone, but a good alone...not the bad alone feeling. I felt solitude, peace, invisible, alive. I felt like I could be me, with no fear, none of the fear of what others might think of me and how I act, in my own life, how I act! I shouldn't be acting, I should just be, be in the moment and living. It was nice to be in this moment with nothing, yet everything, everything in my mind...all that I have learned, felt, the joy, the pain, the memories, oh the memories and how I can recall any one of them, by just a thought...then I thought I don't want to be alone, I started to feel insignificant and wanting life to be around me. I wanted people to interact with, to be with, to laugh and share with. I started to panic a little, not in a bad way, but more of a wondering, waiting, searching for the moment I can breathe normally again...searching for a car, or a light in a business, or even a cat creeping out of the bushes, some sign of SOMEONE other than me....there it is, the car, the human in it, and as I pass by him, I look at him, I mean really look at him, our eyes connect and I smile, he smiles back and I wonder if he, too, had just felt the solitude and peace and longing to be who he is, who he really is, or if he would have even recognized the moment and could take it all in. Then I see another car, and another and lights coming on as businesses are getting ready for the day and it seems that the magic of that moment was lost, or is it? Can I close my eyes and take myself back to moment of solitude, to the peace, the silence of the world? Of course I can...that is the power of the mind, once you feel something, you cannot unfeel it (is unfeel even a word? it is now!) So, why did I write this? It may not make any sense to you, but it was an incredible feeling and I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, or the sense that it is okay to be me and put this out there, or even that I am feeling inspired by my dear friend, Jake (as in Jake Walden...if you don't know who that is yet, maybe you should!), that makes me feel confident in being me, and has made me more aware of how to look at the world with new eyes, with a sense of purpose and awe in all that life gives us. The beauty in each day and in each person, how lucky we are to be in this world, how lucky we are to just be, just be.

I went to the coast the other day with the family and wow, it was beautiful, I wrote something that day..."Sitting here in the warm sun, my eyes closed, feeling the breeze on my face, smelling the salty ocean air and listening to the waves crash against the rocks and along the shore...I feel so blissfully happy and full of joy in my heart and soul. There is something so tranquil and peaceful about the ocean, the sounds of the waves, the view of blue as far as the eye can see and beyond...the warm, grainy sand under my feet and in between my toes, all my senses seem to be alive and more attuned to nature and a bigger picture that I don't quite see...in time I will, my eyes are opened wider and become more observant each day. I have felt the calm and warmth of peacefulness lately in my life, more often and with more gratitude than ever before."

About a week ago, I took Laura to work and when I got home I sat in the silence of the car, closed my eyes and listened to the birds chirping and the muffled sounds of cars driving by...and thought...wow, I AM happy. I asked myself how I had finally felt happy...my mind started to reflect back on things and I pondered how I had gotten to this point. I sat out there for about 20 mins and thought to myself, self..you should go get that big yellow blanket and lay it on the grass and do your homework out here and maybe write a blog entry about reflecting and listen to Jake. I thought what a great idea...I won't have the distraction of the TV, the messy house that is to dark...outside would be perfect. I came in, got everything together and opened the door...it was raining, no real surprise, I do live in Oregon after all. There goes that idea...yet my mind was still reflecting and racing with words I can't seem to write quick enough...but I will write them, my mind has a way of storing an idea and letting it stew til it's ready and then I can put it on paper (or computer) in a matter of minutes. It just flows out perfectly...and only sometimes I edit it to make it more pleasing. I have been writing a lot lately, and I may have a point to this blog, it could go a lot of ways I guess...about how I am happy and how I got here, the amazing power of memories and being able to reflect upon past moments. I could even share somethings I have written, with no fear of course...because, well I don't know really why no fear...I mean I do but I don't. And it is something that I am working on, part of the "new" me.

Here goes...this is for you Jake.

No longer will I let you hold me back
All along I have been strong enough, but you let me doubt myself
You lead me to believe, to believe that I was weak
Thought I needed you, thought I was your world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now,
I can see it clearly now

All through the years, thought you treated me right
Everyone kept telling me that you were holding me down
I fought back, defending your intentions for me
Thought you needed me, thought you were my world
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with each drop I break free
These streaks on my face will vanish, for I see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now
I can see it clearly now

I've struggled with this decision to go my own way
I've finally made up my mind to set myself free
The next time you see me, don't try to hold me
The next time you see me, I will be stronger

One last look in the mirror and you are gone
I see me for me now, no resemblance of who I used to be
I can go on my way having let go of the me I once was
Free from my past and all that held me down, now I am me
Tonight I cried my last tear over you, with this last drop I am free
The streaks on my face are gone, I can see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now
I can finally see it clearly now

Shine, Til The End, For Someone....

So here is how three incredible musicians changed my life and the amazing things I discovered about myself. In a previous post, I wrote about a singer/songwriter named Jake Walden. Since the first time I heard Jake's raw, emotion-filled voice something in me changed. The words he wrote, the music he composed, the passion he sang with, the bravery he showed, his soul he shared, ignited something in me. It ignited every hope I had for myself of being able to create words that would somehow touch anothers life. It ignited the desire I've had in me to allow myself to be who I am and who I want to become. It ignited a change in me that I knew was something true, something special, something real.
When Jake left a message on my blog, I felt like someone special to someone who got who I am. Never did I think I would ever meet him. That all changed in a matter of hours. I wrote a post about that too. After I met him, it was pretty amazing. April finally got closer and I grew anxious and nervous about seeing him again. I had kept in contact with him through facebook and myspace. I even got to know his Aunt Lori and Aunt Heather better through emails. They are such wonderful people. His birthday was one of the nights he was performing in Oregon and I really wanted to go. I wanted to give him a special gift. His aunts also sent a birthday card for him for me to deliver to him! It was quite an honor.
So the tour Jake has been on is called Rock The Folk OUT. He is traveling with 2 other artists. Stewart Lewis and Tom Goss. The three of them have a real chemistry and can put on quite a show. I was able to attend a few shows...

April 27, 2009 Seattle, Washington: The first night I was able to go see them was in Seattle. This was such an amazing evening. We got to the Jewelbox Theater and waited in line. I peeked around the line and caught Jake's eye. He came over and gave me a big hug and kiss. He is such a sweetie! I introduced him to Laura and we talked for a minute, then he had to go get set up. I was finally able to meet Cheri! She is such a sweetheart. We got into the theater and sat down right in front. I went out and met Tom Goss and Stewart Lewis. These guys are amazing! The show started off with Jake singing. Oh my it was so good to hear his voice LIVE again, something in his voice just comes across so strongly when you are sitting right there with him. He did a few songs. Then Stewart Lewis got up and sang. Stewart is such a character and I love his smile. You can't help but smile when he smiles. He is definitely a treat to see live! Tom Goss sang next and it was so beautiful. I couldn't wait to hear what he was going to sing next. They all got up and sang together and it was so beautiful. I know that for Cheri it will be a night she won't forget! After the show we were all able to hang out and talk. It was so wonderful. I didn't want it to end. There was a very good vibe and the guys did great. I took a lot of pictures...



April 28, 2009 Portland, Oregon: This show I was a little more nervous. I went to Portland by myself. I have to say it was an intense show. I was able to meet another one of Jake's aunts and two of his cousins. They all were so nice. The show went beautifully. Jake started out. He sang some of my favorites. It was so so perfect. Stewart sang next and still wowed me with his charm and made me feel so happy. Tom came next and he was so into the music. At some times I felt as if I was the only one in the room with them. I was able to hang out for a little while after everyone had left...Tom and Jake had to wait for Stewart to come back with the keys. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I was able to talk more personally with Jake and Tom. These men have such beautiful souls. I felt so lucky to be a part of that night. Of course, more pictures....




April 29, 2009 Eugene, Oregon: This was an especially special night. For a few reasons...1) My last night seeing them for a whole week...I know how could I stand it??...and 2) Jake's birthday!
What an incredible night for me! The show was so spectacular. I can tell you that during Jake's entire set, I felt like he and I were the only ones there. I feel so lucky to be able to have been at this show (and all the other ones too!). Stewart was again his charming self. I freakin' love Stewart. You rock! Tom did so amazing. I loved every minute of it! All three of the guys got up to do their closer song, a cover of Coldplay's "Yellow", but then Stewart started singing about me...yes, me! How spectacular it was. Jake and Tom started to sing with Stewart and they did an impromptu three part harmony song on the spot about me! It was truly a magical moment that I will never forget. Thank you, thank you boys for that moment. After the guys were done, I had just a little time to sit with Jake and give him his birthday gifts. Before the show I was able to give Jake his card from his Aunts. He was surprised! What an honor to be able to give him something special from his Aunts when he was on the road. Laura and I put together a Road Trip Essentials Kit! It contained things from chap stick to Zicam. All the little things that come in handy, plus a crossword puzzle book and a trivia game. I was so nervous for the next present...It was something that was special to me and I hoped that Jake would love it. He opened it and I think by his reaction he loved it. I loved being able to see his face when he saw it. It was a moment that I won't ever forget. It turned out to be a very wonderful night and I was a little sad that I wasn't going to be at some of the shows until May. I survived though! I had created a bond with these three men and I hope that they know how much all of them mean to me. Truly a once in a lifetime experience that I will never forget. Of course again I have more pictures....
















May 10, 2009 Tempe, Arizona: I have to say that I am completely lucky that I have been able to meet and hang out with the guys from Rock The Folk OUT Tour 2009. This Sunday evening was so laid back and just a good time. I laughed and cried and felt adored. Julia, Jake's cousin, was able to be there that night and it was so good to see her again. I had met her in Vegas back in February. I also got to meet Tom's partner Mike. He is so nice. As before, the music was so beautiful. I loved every minutes of it. I loved singing along with the guys. Tom sat right by me when the other guys were playing. Jake sat just behind me when the other guys were playing too. It was so nice. I felt so lucky to have become friends with the guys. As always they made me feel so comfortable and beautiful. They did a remix version of the Brenda song...B R E N D A spells Brenda...so incredible. I was able to spend a little more time with Jake again and talk some more. He is such a beautiful person and he has so much inside, and gives so much. What an inspiration he has been to me. Of course there were more pictures...I am sure I drove those boys crazy with all the pictures I have taken...but you know me I am picture taker...I love photography and the memories they hold for me.



May 13, 2009 Tucson, Arizona: Wow I have so many thoughts in my mind right now. Tonight was something special, more than I could have ever imagined. The emotion, the love, the friendship, the support, the sad and the happy...all of it, all the small looks, the winks, the smiles, the songs and the words shared...a connection of pure honesty and love amongst the people in the room. All brought together through the strength and magic of music. You could hear a pin drop as the piano was played and the songs were sung, as the strumming of the guitar and message of the songs. Each would feel it in their own way, an interpretation of words meshed beautifully with notes. The bittersweet end of an adventure for those who experienced it, in whatever way, at one show or five, through the words of friends far and wide, through the eyes of strangers who became friends. Many, many moments so deep and personal, many moments of laughter and joy, and moments of sadness and despair. This will forever, for me, be a passageway to the hopes and dreams I long to accomplish. A time in my life that was truly a life changing collection of moments...a time of growth and hope, of love and appreciation, of admiration and gratitude. From Tom the beauty of deep and lasting true love. From Stewart the happiness and shining moments of music, oh that smile of his. From Jake the bravery and vulnerability to be who you are, with no fear. So much from Jake...the confidence to follow your heart and dreams...so so much from Jake. What a way to end the tour...to close this chapter and take the moments into ourselves and learn, grow and find a piece of who we are. I truly am grateful to all those who have touched my life. I will never be able to show enough thanks, there is so so much. I wanted to describe each and every moment, but some of those are meant just for those involved. For me in this moment when it has come to a close, I know that it is just the beginning for so many things. I love the people I have met and I love the times that were shared. I have no more words, except in the words of Jake, "be you"

Mini-Update...

So here is a quick mini-update....life has been crazy and strange and busy! Last night I was able to go to Seattle and see Jake Walden perform with Tom Goss and Stewart Lewis. Laura went with me and we had so so much fun.
Of course it was amazing, and I have so much to write. I will update soon, probably later this week. I am off to sleep a little before the day begins...yes just got home a little while ago! We get to go see him tonight (28th) and tomorrow (29th) I am looking so forward to hanging out with the guys again. They are pretty awesome...okay a lot awesome!!

Jake Walden updates...

Jake Walden was on the news FOX 5 in Las Vegas about AFAN and the AIDS WALK on Sunday.

Jake Walden will be performing at the AFAN AIDS WALK on Sunday 8am. Jake performs on the main stage at 9:30am. I really wish that I could be there. Here is a link to the segment from the news...THANK YOU VERENA and JAKE for the information and the link!! He will also be on CBS channel 8 KLAS at 6:45 am on the 17th...looking forward to that link also!! On Air performance and interview in support of the AFAN walk on April 19th.This is just another step in Jake getting his music and talent out there to more and more people! He is doing amazing things and working on a second album.

He also has a tour starting very soon. Here are the dates!! His performances are something that everyone should experience at least once. It is a night of magic and talent! Go to his MySpace to get more details and to hear his songs. He is an amazing artist. A musician in the truest form, he shares his soul and emotions in each song, word, note and glance. I hope you all check him out and enjoy!

Here is Jake and Verena, his amazing Publicists.

First Three

Paying it forward...The first three people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!2- What I create will be just for you.3- It’ll be done this year.4- You have no clue what it’s going to be. It may be a story. It may be photography or an article on properly cleaning your face before a masque. I may sew or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that’s for sure!5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer the same to the first 3 people who do the same on your blog. The first 3 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!