In LA...

I have started this blog post many times...but it just hasn't felt right...the right words haven't come, the right feeling seems to be just beyond my grasp, yet I long to write, I crave the feelings and emotions to be written before my eyes, to solidify the truths, the strengths, the heartache, the laughter, the love and all that was in LA. Why is it so hard to write this...when I write it; it seems to break the spell of of blissfulness and joy that shined in my heart and life while in LA.
LA...what a weekend that was in LA. A night that went above and beyond anything I have ever experienced before. Jake Walden played his last show of the year at The Hotel Cafe in LA. What a spectacular show it was. People, fans of Jake, came from all over the world. From Hungry to Chicago, and New Jersey to Washington. It was such a special night for all involved. It is hard to put into words all that was felt for me. I was already emotional before I even saw Jake, before the hello's and before the hugs. Oh How I have missed those hugs! As like the many times before there is a feeling of comfort, peace and hope that fills my being whenever I am able to spend time with Jake. It was so so lovely to meet Katie! Katie is Jake's amazingly beautiful sister! She is so adorable and in so many ways like Jake, and in so many ways just as wonderful as Jake has told me she would be. I am so glad that she made the trip to LA.

I was especially happy that the show was at The Hotel Cafe. This is the one place that I have wanted to see Jake perform. Since the first time that I had heard of Jake, the Hotel Cafe has been a constant. It felt as if being there hearing and seeing Jake perform there was right, it was so right. They just go together. I had been looking forward to a time when I would see him up there on the stage and able to watch all the people that adore Jake, that look up to him, that "see" him for who he is and 'gets' him. I never thought that it would happen, but I saw it, I knew that it would happen. I wrote this the night of the performance..."Jake's performance tonight was so beautiful. He held so much emotion on his face that I don't think that there was a dry eye in the place. He of course sang some select few from the album, 'Alive and Screaming'(which is available on iTunes.) Bonnie Somerville came up on stage and sang 'Bleeding Love' with Jake. It was so breathtaking. Jake also sang two new songs...one for his beautiful sister Katie. The song brought me to tears, the relationship between Jake and Katie is so unique and beautiful. Those two are so connected. It is so amazing to see and there is an energy that cannot be described. Jake did a medley of songs...I believe there was some Joni, Bob, Janis, and DMB in the mix...such a treat. Jake sang 'We Are', this is a special song as is, and something that holds a lot of meaning and emotion for me. Jake had Stewart Lewis come up to sing the harmony of 'We Are'...at the parts where Stewart sang, we as an audience, sang along...It was so indescribable, the feeling in the room, the sound of all our voices saying, believing that "we are NOT broken" And as soon as Jake heard us all singing along, his face, oh the look on his face was something I have never seen before, it was joy, accomplishment, love, heartache, beauty, real...it was so real."

What a beautiful night, filled with beautiful people and wonderful conversation. We all hung out afterward to just talk, laugh, and just be. I sort of wanted to just watch, to observe how Jake works. How he interacts with people that love and adore him! He handles it all gracefully and so genuinely. He truly is interested and takes in what you give to him. He listens and sees you with his heart. It was so nice to meet all the people that I 'met' through Jake. It made for a night of memories. Sleeping after all this was near next to impossible. I am sure that I caught a few zzz's in there. Sunday morning took Laura and I to Venice Beach, we were going to Santa Monica Pier, but went with Venice. It was really neat to see places that I have only seen in movies. I have never been to LA before this trip. It was a lot of fun. We drove by the high school where 'Grease' was filmed. I felt like a real tourist! Laura and I then met up with Cheri, Brigi, Shelly and Kurt at their hotel, which was beautiful, and waited for Jake. Jake showed up and we were able to spend some low-key time just talking and laughing with one another. Jake was showered with some very lovely gifts and we took it inside for more. Inside we all just talked and laughed. Jake and I shared a few moments and the night had to come to an end for me.

Jake did so much for me emotionally and helped in so many other ways. I don't know if he will ever understand how special he is to me and the place he has in my heart. There are so many words, some that have been spoken, some that cannot be spoken but all are known. This post does no justice to what this weekend meant for me and how I will cherish the moments that reside in my heart, that sustain me in the day to day tasks of living, surviving, fighting and loving. Til next time my friend Jake, til next time.

Moving...

So many of you may have heard...or not...that I am moving. Yes, once again I am moving to another state...back to Utah.
Laura and I decided on this move about a month ago and can't believe that it is already time to go. I believe it is something that is in the right direction for us. From the time that we made the final decision to move, there has been a theme in our everyday lives...there is a saying that I particularly do not like to say...and at this time doesn't even have to be said for it to be true. It's that lovely saying about "it can't get any worse..." I hesitate to even use it in here, but I am over it. I expect something else to go wrong...that way when it does..I am at least a little more prepared. The last few days, when anything happened it just became comical...we had to just laugh it off or other wise, I think at one point Laura or I may have gone berserk!!
In all seriousness, this time has shown me that I am stronger that I thought(physically and mentally...the jury is still out on emotionally!)I have found that no matter what, you can laugh at the end of the day and simply move on. Yeah, things may have been bad, and the day seems to get worse and worse, and you feel like you will never get out alive. You think there is no way I can do this...I can't take it anymore...the light is always at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like a really long tunnel, but thankfully God has put up "lamp posts" along the way. Friends and family make each step bearable and sometimes brighter. And if you need a flashlight, all you have to do is pray...(I kind of like that analogy...I am pretty clever...)
There are a lot of people that I am going to miss. Of course, my Aunt Judi...she is the best Aunt in the world and I hope that I can be as good as an Aunt as she is...we always had Sunday dinners at her house and I am going to miss that so much. It was always a great time with so much laughter and great food. I am even going to miss Darrell...he is very witty and could sometimes even put Laura in her place...something that rarely happens. I am going to miss Janice. We had some good time...dancing at Silver Spur...BRE! Whoa, BRE was something that I don't think will be topped, but we are going to try! I am going to miss the boys...despite what I say, they are so fun and really loving. Taking care of 4 boys is not an easy task, but you have those moments that make it all worth it. Dylan is so unique and says some of the most random, funny things. I remember I had to borrow 2 bucks from Janice, and she had to borrow it from Dylan...he brought it to Janice and said, "Go buy yourself something nice." He said that with a straight face...Janice and I busted up laughing. Jake is a charmer and a negotiator. This kid could probably sell ice to an Eskimo. He is such a sweetheart and I am really going to miss him. Cole is something else. This kid can make me laugh and smile. He is such a cuddler and I love it! He always has to rub fabric and sucks his thumb when he cuddles. He is really coming into his personality and I can't wait to see him grow. Tyler is a hoot! This kid is so smart and he is so funny. The other day I was trying to get them all ready for the day and trying to get Dylan off to school, Tyler came over to me, stood right in front of me, cocked his head to the side and said, "I love you Aunt B" and then gave me the biggest hug! It was the sweetest thing and I think he sensed that I was getting frustrated. I really am going to miss them all so much. I am going to miss my ward. I have come to love and appreciate the dynamic of Monmouth 2nd Ward. I have been blessed with people who truly reach out and show that extra kindness. A girl names Leanne, from the ward, has become very special to me and I am really sad to say good-bye to her. She understands me and gets me and yet she still loves me. I am so glad that we got to know each other better, and wish we had spent more time together. She did promise to come visit me in Utah...and I will be back to Oregon to visit. It will be good. She has taught me not to give up. Leanne has been such a great example of someone that I know I can be. Her faith is so strong and so whole. I admire her. Her testimony shows in all she does. I am really going to miss her!! I am going to miss Kim and Andreya...oh those two...what a pair! You two keep it real!! fo sho! Sarah is such a sweetheart and I am going to miss laughing about "MJ"!! Ha! Oh and killing spiders in the middle of the night! Sarah has such an innocence and youthful spirit...it may be that she is a lot younger than me...but she is so much fun to be around, and I am sad that I didn't get to know her sister Whitney better. Overall, it is a good ward, and good people to surround yourself with.
So here I am at 6:30 in the morning on the day after packing the U-haul, getting ready for the drive to Utah today and I am wide awake...once I finally fell asleep early this morning I didn't think I would be up til at least 8! I really wanted to leave around 5 this morning, but I would have had maybe 4 hours sleep. So...I got 5 instead! Hooray for that extra hour...I am ready to get going...on the road with Laura is one of the best things I can think of and I am so ready to have FUN! This is going to be an epic road trip...So we should get to Utah late, late tonight. We are staying with my brother Mike and his family. I finally get to meet Max! My newest little nephew. We are unloading our stuff tomorrow and then Saturday morning we are leaving for LA. Jake is having a very special show and so many people are going to be there. I am excited to finally meet Katie! I cannot wait. We will stay in LA for the night and hang our on Sunday. Then we are driving to Temecula and staying with Laura's brother and his family for a week or so...then driving to Arizona to stay with my parents, go through all my boxes there, have Thanksgiving with Jorden, Kayla, my mom and dad, Gerrad, Jeni and Steven. I am hoping that I will get to see my Grandma and Grandpa while I am there. Then headed back to Utah to start working and living. I know that Utah is where we are supposed to be right now and I am getting excited to see family and friends that I haven't seen for a while. It will be great to see Shari and be there for her. I am hoping to reconnect with Jess, Chante, Katie and Cari. It is going to be good. I just know it will be. Well I am going to get going...time to wake up Laura and get on the road...

Procrastination...One of my Strongest Traits...

Procrastination...

Jake Walden follows up his critically acclaimed album, Alive and Screaming, with an exquisite cover of Leona Lewis' smash "Bleeding Love." The duet with actress and singer/songwriter Bonnie Somerville, who was featured on the Grammy Award winning Garden State Soundtrack, intimately captures the song's essence. The track is packaged with 3 b-sides (2 live tracks and one demo) that showcase the core of Walden's signature vulnerability.

BUY New EP 'Bleeding Love' on ITunes

These tracks are also available as a package with Alive and Screaming in a Deluxe Version, which contains all 16 tracks.

BUY New 'Deluxe Edition' on ITunes

Find out more about Jake Walden at www.jakewalden.com

"Same Something Different"

I don't know where or how to begin this post...

I am sitting here at almost 4 in the morning, my mind, my heart, my soul are all going 100 miles an hour! Now I know that you all have heard me give praise and have seen my undying admiration of a man named Jake. It has almost been a year since Jake's music has entered my life...almost a year, 9 months...and at this point I feel like I have known Jake for my whole lifetime.

This man, Jake, has done a number on my heart, who I am and who I want to become. I have done posts about Jake in the past, about performances, conversations we have had and documenting some of the journey that this man has taken. This post is the "Same Something Different" It is the same as previous posts, yet it is entirely something different in its' meaning and purpose.

I received a little message from Jake on October 1st. It said...

"You look beautiful in your new picture...I know i have been absent, but this time around, I need your strength as (like the world works) I find myself in deep holes and unsure times....and need that Brenda energy.....Pick a song to sing along to!!!!! Yeah, like in the mic...why not?
love, Jake"

Imagine for a moment how this would make one feel...at first I couldn't breath! I remember where I was and who I was with...and thinking, "me? singing WITH Jake? What??" and then thinking..."sure, why not?"

I don't know how many people know this about me, but I have always loved to sing and I have always loved music. In my church, when we feel it is right, we get a patriarchal blessing. I got mine when I was 13. I don't want to share much about it because it is so special and sacred to me, but to understand why this message meant so much, you have to know a couple things.  The blessing is something to have as you go through your life, a sort of map, but it is not specific, usually. One line from my blessing says..."Learn to sing." Simple, straight to the point and pretty specific if you ask me! I have always had a desire to learn to sing and to sing for people and touch their lives in some way that would have a positive affect on them. I was, and kind of still am, painfully shy. I didn't think it would ever happen. I NEVER thought I would ever sing in front of people that could actually hear me!

To have an opportunity like this was something I had seen only seen in my dreams. I couldn't believe it. The days leading up to Saturday the 3rd, were filled with emotions of happiness, scared, nervous, joy, utter disbelief and a longing to follow through with telling Jake "YES!" Saturday came and it was time to go...many things seemed to delay the trip to Washington, and frustration set it. I was nervous the ENTIRE drive up. My tummy full of butterflies and knots like I have never felt before. Oh and the anticipation of just seeing Jake, let along singing with him, was off the charts.

I drove up with Laura and Janice, ready for a evening of unknowns, the only sure thing was I was going to see Jake.  That brought so much comfort to me and kept me sane!  We finally arrive, after a few close calls and mishaps, but we made it. Cheri's house is amazing and being in the same house with Jake gave me feelings of peace, comfort and love. I could feel the buzz of his energy the moment he walked in the room. He gave hugs! Oh this man gives the best hugs! We were able to sit and chat for a little bit and then we had a little rehearsal. I thought this might actually happen! Sitting up there next to him at the "piano" and trying to sing loud enough into the mic was something else! I had a hard time making my voice audible...but hello, I was going to sing with Jake, a musician, a fantastic artist with a voice like no other...and ME, I was supposed to sing with him! I didn't feel worthy enough, until I could look in Jake's eyes and see the joy on his face. The happiness HE was feeling, to be able to make him smile and give him that energy, was all I needed.  I knew I could do it. I realized it wasn't about me getting up there and singing in front of people, it wasn't about me having the opportunity to sing. It was about Jake doing what he loved. It was about giving back to Jake a fraction of the joy he has given me. It was about Jake. It was about Jake.

The evening progressed beautifully. Jake came out to perform. As he always does, whatever he sings, was something that captivates your whole being. You feel as if it is just you and Jake in the room. I have felt that before, and I know I will feel it again. He sang Neil Young's 'Only Love Can Break Your Heart' What an amazing talent Jake has. He sang a few of the classics...'Too Young', 'Alive and Screaming', 'For Someone', 'Come Along', 'Same Something Different', and a very special performance of 'We Are'. I was able to sing 'We Are' with him, yes I sang loud enough for the people to hear and I sang for Jake. As long as I kept my eyes on Jake, the song was for him. I was nervous, but I enjoyed every minute of it.



Jake finished singing for us and everyone LOVED him. We got to mingle for a while and then Laura, Janice, Karla, Jake and I sat and talked, shared stories, and laughed...such good times. We even tried to teach Jake to line dance! It was a night of laughter, friends, music and love. We talked and danced into the wee hours of the morning. Jake and I were able to share a few quiet moments and talk. Then it was time to go. Jake was exhausted and it was late. Saying goodbye was hard, I must have given him a dozen hugs...some of those hugs were for Rike, Shelly, and Brigi. We drove to Karla's house for the night and I sat and watched the videos and looked at the pictures and started to write.

It was a night that I will never forget. It was a night that I believe deepened the connection Jake and I share. He truly has touched and changed my life in more ways than he will ever comprehend.

Jake, thank you so much for all that you have given me. Thank you for your music, your words, your heart. You have a special light in you and sometimes I see you struggle to let it shine. Let it shine! I cannot believe that only 9 months ago I "found" you, and how much of an influence you are on me. You have given me so much confidence and so much strength. I hope that you know how much you mean to me. In your words, my friend, Be You!
Love me.